Earned Love

When ML received an unexpected cheque for a large sum of money for a laptop that she wanted, she knew it can only come from her heavenly Father.

The first words that came to her mind was, "God, thank You. I shall serve You even more than before!"

To which God replied in that still small voice in her heart, "No, you don't have to pay me back. It is my gift to you."

The tears just rolled down my cheeks when I heard that. For I can really identify with that. I've been raised to never take advantage of people. That when I receive gifts or favours from people, I should always repay them in some form or the other. While it's good to be careful not to use people, it can rob the joy of the giver who just wanted to give you something to bless you or make your day. Especially when they give out of the sincerity and generosity of their hearts without expecting anything in return.

In other words, in this manner, I have felt the need to earn love. A term used for this is Performance Orientation (PO for short). All of us have some traits of PO in our lives. Several traits of PO are as follows:

1. Thinking that people cannot love her unless she does or gives something to them.


2. Works to please, and in the process becomes lost to self


3. Feels like he is trying to fool people, selling self for love


4. Is angry that she must do so


5. Anger is often surpressed


6. Begins to rebel; sabotage successes in order to fail; test to see if he will be loved even if he is labelled a loser


7. Needs to succeed - workaholism; often fears success as much as failure


8. Needs to be complimented


9. Cannot believe compliments


10. Cannot receive criticism


11. Is compulsively defensive


12. Takes responsibility for everything


13. Is always overly busy


14. Is tired


15. Tends to blame others


16. Is angry (sometimes hidden)


17. Ministers but cannot be ministered to


18. Cannot receive gifts without reciprocating


19. Tries to control people or situations


20. Is unable to be truly intimate


21. Is lonely


22. Robs people of the freedom to give by demanding


23. Destroys spontaneity and joy when in leadership

Man, I have quite a few of the above traits. In fact, everyone in my small group can identify with a few of these. It's so prevalent because from the minute we were kids, we were praised when we do something right. When we scored well in our exams. When we do something that pleased our parents and peers.

We like being in the performance orientation cycle because the rewards are just so good! Promotions, higher pay, status, compliments and the sense of well-being that comes with approval and acceptance. It really seems so perfect.

But when you do more and more and the rewards become less and less, when the efforts go unappreciated, everything that we do to please others and be accepted is not bringing peace. Instead, we experience anxiety, tension and an increasing sense of futility. We give up trying so hard and a mild depression sets in. We feel numb and lose vitality for life. This is the bottom of the cycle.

Then when we begin mustering just enough strength to perform again and 'earn' that love and acceptance and we get recharged by every little bit of renewed strength that comes from our efforts. Signs of acceptance and love appear more frequently and the depression lifts. But this is just the beginning of a vicious cycle.

As a group, we identified with the false messages that we received as children. We have to act cute in order to be praised. We have to cite nursery rhymes in front of our aunties and uncles to get affirmation. We feel treated as less than special when we flunk in our exams. And so on and so forth.

Then we released forgiveness towards those whom we perceived to have wounded us that way and prayed for the structures that we have built into our lives to be broken. Realistically, it will take a while for these structures to lose its effect because performance orientation contains a reward system and is difficult to give up.

And we know that we cannot do this alone. We need friends whom we can feel free to risk and to whom it is OK to fail.

Performance Orientation is a term which refers not to the service we perform but to the false motives which impels us. Having brought performance orientation to death, we may do exactly the same works, in much the same ways, but from an entirely different intent in the heart. In bringing performance to death, it's not to stop doing or serving, but to die to the wrong hidden intents in the heart. ~ John & Paula Sandford

Source: Basic School 1 Part 1 notes, Elijah House ministries. The image of The Performer above taken from wikipedia.org