A Cord Of Three ...

Right at the height of my despair last week, I made an appointment to seek prayer and counsel from Nancy, one of the Elijah House's counsellors. I knew something was wrong. That I was overreacting to events that I should be able to handle in a more mature and joyful manner.

The days preceeding the appointment were put to good use. I sought the Lord in prayer who revealed a certain incident in childhood which still triggered something in my adult heart and I prayed for healing over that incident. I talked to friends who helped sort out my convulated thoughts. I even helped another friend to resolve some things in her life.

At the end of it all, I felt better about the situation. I felt so good and fulfilled that I actually thought of calling Nancy to cancel the appointment! I mean, why bother seeing the soul doctor when the soul feels fine already, right?

But knowing Nancy, she'd probably call me to come and see her anyway. And besides, what if the symptoms had been cured but the root remained? I would then encounter the exact same situation in future if that were the case. So I duly went to see her yesterday - just to be sure that the root issue has been dealt with.

It wasn't.

At her gentle questions, the grief and the heartache of the past few months came cascading again. I hadn't planned on bawling in front of her. I came with the intention of assuring her that everything was alright and to pray together to seal my healing. As the tears came, I felt embarassed - again, because it's a sign of overreaction to a simple fact of life - but I also felt safe and affirmed by her.

It was so strange. She was affirming a tearful girl by saying how much joy this girl brings wherever she goes. And that there is nothing wrong in loving her friends so much.

What needed to be healed was the broken heart that I experienced as a child. I told her the incident that the Lord reminded me of. I was about four and my mother took my sisters out for a shopping trip in KL. I remembered crying out with all my heart for them to bring me along. I thought that if I really really cried, surely they would have compassion upon me and not leave me behind. But I was wrong. They left me anyway.

"To an adult, that incident would be a drop in the ocean that is your heart. That child did not understand that she was too young to be going on such a long trip. So to that small child, that incident must have been devastating. So devastating that the little heart was broken. " Nancy said. "As such, when people you love leave you for even good reasons, that old wound is triggered and you find yourself feeling extreme and irrational sadness at being left behind. That's the wound that needs to be healed. So that when your friends migrate or go on to have families of their own, you can let go with a joyful heart and share fully in their happiness. And to continue to pursue friendship with them and not let it fizzle off. A heart that is healed and whole can do that."

She asked me further about my relationship with my family members and I told her that honestly, I feel so much closer to my friends than my family. I love them but I can't seem to connect fully with them. She nodded and said that it could be that from that traumatic incident as well as me feeling left out as a middle child as I was growing up, that I had developed a heart of stone which prevented me from bonding closely with my family members. That instead of getting the attention that I should rightfully get from my family, I've built all of my security and purpose for life around my close friends. And when the friendship ends, I lose all zest for life. That heart of stone needed to be broken in prayer so that my relationship with my family members can take on a new life.

No wonder I did not feel any sorrow when both my sisters got married and left our home. While my brother cried buckets. Now I know why. My heart of stone towards my older sisters have kept me so safe and sheltered that anything they do cannot affect me. I was numb to the pain of them leaving me even though we grew up together and I knew them all my life.

Nancy and I prayed together and my heart felt so much at peace after that. By faith, I believe that the healing work has begun. Everything seems so much clearer now and I'm so glad that I did not cancel our appointment. God is so so good.

Thanks, Nancy for availing your time, your love and wise counsel for me. And for your friendship. I would not have been able to do it by myself.

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work; If one falls down, his friend can help him up - A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:9, 10, 12