Friends when you are ...

As I was processing my grief recently, I observed that some of my friends allowed me to unload whatever that I was feeling - be they valid or not. Others chided me for being unusually morose and hard upon myself - assuming guilt where there shouldn't be any. Still others who knew our departed friend grieved alongside with me and we shouldered each other's burdens. And lastly, there were friends who were the bubbly bouncy type and cheered me up with their funny and quirky insights about how they view life. Just spending some time with them puts a sunshine in my heart.

I think we need all of the above - at different stages of overcoming our burdens in life. As such, I have categorized them into the following types:

1. The Validators - We need to unload, to decipher the meaning and the root behind our emotions. And we need people to listen, to validate our feelings and try to understand where we are coming from.
   
   At one point where I was trying to sort out my thoughts, I shared with my friend, "I dunno... dunno whether I should sink into grief's depths. And I wonder if I don't do that, would I be living in denial?" "Don't," my friend said. "I can't pull you out." And proceeded to listen to the things I have jotted down in trying to understand why this death affected me more than an earlier death of another friend.
   
   Validators are needed when one is about to plunge into the pit of depression. After the unloading session, I felt heaps better and was ready to move on.


2. The Movers - Sometimes, prolonged grief over a loss or a problem can develop into self-pity and severe anti-social behavior. This is where we need people who can ask you to get over it already and count the roses in the garden instead of the snails.
   
   "Look, the person is gone. There's nothing you can do about the unresolved things in your relationship with him anymore. The best thing you can do is to learn from this experience and apply it to the lives of your friends now." Movers and Validators can be one and the same person, but they normally validate the feelings first before encouraging their friend to move on in life.


3. The Burden-Sharers - No one can fully understand the extent of the griever's sorrow unless they have amazing empathy skills or have been through a similar situation before.
   
   In that situation, they don't talk down at you. They don't look up to you for guidance. Rather, they walk alongside you, shouldering the burdens so that troubles and sorrows are halved and are easier to bear. And it helps enormously to know that you are not alone in this and that someone understands what you can't describe with words.


4. The Cheerleaders - These folks are great when you are on the way up from the pits of despair. Their chirpiness are contagious when you are ready to embrace the joys of life again. You suddenly find yourself laughing again and you are amazed to note just how long it has been since you last laughed that way.

I'm so glad that when I was down, I had all these friends who helped me through my grieving process. Thank you from the top of my scalp to the bottom of my soles. I'm ok now