Holding Out For Mr. ...

A friend recently asked me, "How do you know if the person is the right one for you?"

That's a good question. But a difficult one to answer.

An easy answer would be: "You just know..."

But that's not very helpful, is it?

To expound the 'You just know' answer further, I think there are a few ways to arrive at a rather satisfying conclusion. It works for me, might not work for everybody so do take it with a pinch of salt. Mine involves the process of discernment and elimination.

1. Listen to your heart - When I first meet a person, sometimes there's an initial reaction towards him. It could be pleasantly warm, or an inkling that something is not right somewhere. It may not even happen the very first time you meet, but an incident will trigger that uncomfortable feeling in the pits of your stomach. Whatever it is, it pays to heed those feelings and do a thorough due dilligence on them.
   
   There was one suitor who had everything going for him. Rich, good looks, good character as far as the eye can see. But I strongly felt that it would not work out somehow and didn't start anything with him. A few months later, it turned out to be the right decision when some unsavoury things came out in the open. Phew, what a turmoil I would have found myself in if I had gone ahead against my bad vibes about him!
   
   I believe that God gave us all discerning hearts but more often than not, we only hear what we want to hear. Which brings me to the next point...


2. Be good friends first - I cannot emphasize this more strongly. How does one perform an objective and honest due dilligence if one is already so thoroughly enamoured by the object of one's affection? There are loads of clues that are divulged during a friendship phase to see if both parties will suit to a T. It's up to you to be able to keep your eyes wide open instead of dismissing what they say as nothing of importance. You don't have to be committed to someone to see some of these stuff. Really.
   
   For example, I went out with this guy once who got tired of the new watch he had been eyeing for the longest time and which he bought after a mere day or so. When I heard what he shared, something niggled in my heart, but I brushed it aside. "Aiya, it's just a watch that he's referring to. Surely he wouldn't treat me like that."
   
   But true enough, in about a week or so after that, he confessed that he was attracted and plagued with thoughts of somebody else. So we decided to stop dating and just be friends.
   
   I'm not suggesting that one should be paranoid and jump at everything and take that as a foreboding sign. But if that person's behaviour causes you to feel uncomfortable, then you should pay some attention to it.


3. Take your time - This is especially difficult when you've been alone for a while or when you feel that your biological clock is ticking away. But really, it pays to hold out for the right one rather than to go commit yourself in a bad relationship/marriage and see it break down. You would then need lots of time to heal that poor broken heart of yours and this will just serve to keep you away from Mr. or Ms. Very Suitable longer than it originally should.
   
   The thing about desperation is this. People can sense if you are desperate and they will generally stay away from wanting to establish a romantic relationship you - unless of course, they are desperate themselves or have low self-esteem that they would accept the first person that comes knocking on their door without regard of how suitable they really are for each other.


4. To know that person is to love that person - Another thing about desperation is that one is often in love with the idea of being in love and being in a relationship, rather than loving that life partner himself. This longing can be so overpowering at times that it clouds your decision making and you just want somebody, anybody to be with you. A warm body is better than nobody, right?
   
   Sadly no. A warm body can turn into a cold and detached body and rob you from the joys of living. Or make your life a living hell. Take your pick. Instead of focusing on just one warm body, how about getting several 'warm bodies' in the form of good supportive platonic friends? Good friends whom you can hang out with, have a good time and allow them to speak some sense to you when you feel that you can accept a vast amount of major flaws and follies all in the name of love (and feel noble about it, too!).

I've been single for several years now and I must say that I'm way happier than I was when I was in a relationship with Mr. Unsuitable. Sure, I wish I have someone I could call honey buns. Someone I can cuddle up with on cold cold nights staying up watching DVDs. But I like to think that when that special guy appears in the horizon, I'd be able to do that, and not with someone else who can't or wouldn't wanna grow old with me.

And until then, life is peachy, too