Tis' The Season to be ...

I don't know which is worse - to be the person who holds the grudge (the grudger) or the perceived offender (the grudgee).

People say that the grudger gets it worse. For unforgiveness can sneakily manifest itself as a host of ailments - ulcers, high blood pressure, migrains and even cancer. And everytime the grudger sees the grudgee, a toxic bile would infuse the body and make that person just see red.

On the other hand, being the grudgee is also no walk in the park. There is nothing that the grudgee can do to make peace nor amends if the grudger is determined to hold on to the offense.

For me, I'm experiencing a sort of turbulent relationship with a colleague. I feel helpless against the things that are happening behind the scenes in her life that is causing her to react out of the hurts she is experiencing. I find myself playing the role of the grudgee grudgingly time and again. I long for the times where I can just look into her eyes and grin at each other knowingly. Now, on bad days, she avoids looking at me and is determined to think that I didn't care for her. On good days, we can hang out for lunch and enjoy a time of peace and a piece of that camaraderie that we once share. Those good days are sadly few and far between now.

For a friend, he asked me if it's ok to ignore this person that has offended him. I said that the bible recommends that we do not let the sun go down on our anger. The sooner you mend the rift, the better. After all, in this case, both the grudger and the grudgee are normal, sane people who are able to discourse in a safe manner.

But if you find it impossible to conduct civil conversations with that grudger or grudgee, then the best thing to do is to check your heart to see if there's any bitterness towards that person. Questions like the ones below will help reveal if you are harbouring unforgiveness towards them:

• Do I feel happy when I hear bad things happening to that person?


• Do I feel angry or resentful whenever I hear that person's name being mentioned?


• Does my throat choke up with a bitter bile of emotions whenever I recall that incident which so offended me?


• If I happen to bump into that person, would I go out of my way to avoid them?

If you feel genuinely concerned when that person goes through a rough time and feel neutral when you hear about them or see them, then you most probably have forgiven them. Rejoice!

Reconciliation may take a long while to happen, but if it doesn't, don't fret. It takes two for a reconciliation to happen. That person may not be ready yet. And some things, once broken, can never be restored. What matters is, your heart is set free from the bondage of unforgiveness.

And methinks it's time for me to go the extra mile to show my colleague that I care. I think I'll start by giving her some nice foodies as a peace offering . Wish me all the best!