Coolcat's Jottings

I love this song. Heck, I love her whole album. This girl could sing. And what's more, she sang words that I can really identify with.

This song really helped put my feelings into words when I was going through a hard time with someone. That person believed that talking would resolve everything. I used to believe that, too until I realized that for all the hours invested in the talk, nothing was resolved in the end. Nothing changed. That was when I decided that there was enough talk already and we just had to agree to disagree and resolve our personal issues individually. No more talking necessary.

And now, I find myself singing to this song again. Same tune, different person. And I wonder, why do people think that mere talking would help? It doesn't work. Not when one party is adamant that they are right and people should think the best of them even when they are behaving in the most unbecoming manner. And that everyone else need to change except them.

Sure makes me want to roll my eyes and say, "Whatever. Can I go now?"

Can I Go Now
by Jennifer Love Hewitt

What's the point of trying to meet you in the middle
You got your point of view
There's nothing I can do
Can't change your mind
Can't leave it all behind
You're living in the past
We talk and talk
This goes on for hours
About how I should be
Why is it all me
Don't wanna fight
Don't wanna waste my time
Baby this can't last
I'm moving on, moving on

[Chorus:]
Can I go now
Say what you have to say
Happy you've got your way
There's nothing to discuss
Can I go now
Giving your point of view
Say what you wanted too
What's the point in us
Can I go now
Oh say what you have to say
Happy you've got your way
What's there to discuss

What's the point of trying to reach a compromise
When you're the judge and jury
What's the story
I can't make you see that I'm not always wrong
I can't make you right
It's time to move on
I'm moving on

[Chorus]

Let's call it a day I'll pack my bags be on my way
Sure don't need to stay
Where I'm not welcomed anyway
Well now that's alright and that's OK yeah

There's nothing left to do
Maybe I'm not for you
So why don't you let it go

Tell me what's the point of all this
Talk, talk, talk, talk
We could go day and night
Still wouldn't make it right

Can I go now
Say what you have to say
Happy you've got your way
There's nothing to discuss
Can I go now
You're giving your point of view
Say what you wanted too
What's the point in us
Can I go now
I'll be on my way
Let's call it a day
Can I go now?
Now, why don't you let it go
Can I go now?

Thwack!

Madam Mona and I looked up from our lunch packets to stare at the smiling face of Khai. He had just deposited two Malay newspapers on the table.

"Read it! My kids are featured in the papers."

Duly impressed, I read the headlines - Identical Triplets Cry on Their First Day of School.

I gasped for two reasons:

1. I didn't know that Khai had triplets!
2. Khai, or rather his kids are now famous!

The first newspaper showed three happy looking boys. The second one, however, displayed a picture of a tearful looking Khai Jr, crouching underneath his school desk. His two other brothers were nowhere to be seen.

I got to thinking. Why on earth would triplets cry on their first day of school? There were three of them to face up to any scary schoolmate. Surely there's power in numbers. But apparently, even triplets can feel insecure in a brand new environment without the comfort of their parents.

And then I started reminiscing about my first day at school. I did not recall any crying but there sure was a lot of anticipation. I was all of 7 but I had been longing to go to primary school for as long as I could remember. I would put my small feet into my sisters' white school shoes and trot about in them. Being able to wear that dark blue uniform (which now I think looks positively garish) was my ultimate dream.

Soon the day came when I got to wear my own school shoes and don my own school uniform. I woke up bright eyed and early and couldn't wait to get a move on to my school. Mom was with me, holding my hand and we took a brief tour around the school compound.

"And there's the canteen where you can buy food and snacks with your pocket money," Mom said cheerily, gesturing to a rather ramshackled building with rows and rows of wooden benches and two counters. Something bright and shiny caught my eyes.

And Mom's words felt like magic to my ears.

"Mom, can I have my pocket money now?" I held my free palm out.

"Sure, sweetie. Are you hungry? You have bread in your tupperware," Mom reminded me as she dug her purse and gave me 20 sen. Don't laugh. 20 sen was big money to me back then.

With the 20 sen in my hands, I led my mom to the counter.

The canteen operator looked at me enquiringly. I pointed to a shiny wrapper with the word Kum Kum boldly emblazoned upon it. "I want that."

"That'll be 20 sen," he said. Now, you see why I love 20 sens. The exchange was made. Thus began a lifelong relationship with junk food

And I let go of my mom's hand.

Mom ruffled my head, "Time for your first class. Will you be alright on your own?"

With yummy Kum Kum by my side, what could go wrong? I told my mom that I'll be fine and marched excitedly to my class. Mom trailed behind, made sure that I settled in ok and left just after the first class started.

There were hardly any crying kids in class. Maybe we were raised the hardy way back then. I remembered making quite a number of new friends that day. And the first Malay word I learned at school was Isnin (Monday).

During my first year at school, I also learned that there were nice friends and not-so-nice friends who lie through their teeth and back stab you when you least expect it. I learned that there were dedicated and kind teachers, as well as lazy ones. I learned that the scariest kind of teachers were not the ones who were strict and make you work hard but rather, those who have unpredictable and temperamental moods.

And most importantly, in my Primary One year, I learned that my family who knows me through and through, would believe my word rather than my backstabbing friend's and come to my defense and support when I most needed it.

Behind this brave Primary One student was a family who believed in her. And that made all the difference in sailing through the all the challenges that primary school had to dish out to her.

... has been a good year, all things considered.

Spent the last night of 2007 counting down with friends I made in 2007 itself - both humans and felines. God has really blessed me with amazing friends and it would seem that almost everywhere I go, I get connected to some new kindred spirit.

When Bezzie left for Aussieland in late 2006, I felt so bereft, empty and hollow. I felt that I'd never meet anyone like her again. And it was true, I didn't. Instead, I met a whole new bunch of different people with different personalities. Each endearing in their own ways. Existing friendships became even closer. So it was good. Really, really good.

Most importantly, I learned the art of letting of go. And embracing what God really wants to give me. Not just in terms of friendship, but also ideals. Things that I thought would make my happiness complete. It truly is an art. Knowing what to let go and what to retain. I used to put loyalty on a pedestal. It was unthinkable for me to uproot and plant myself in a place that I knew would be better for my personal growth. I adore the safety of the familiar and despite my love for performance arts, I believe that drama should strictly be kept on the stage and not be allowed to cascade into real life.

And so the stage was set. After years of inertia, I was ripe for the picking. If not for a dramatic series of events in most pertinent areas of my life, I'd still be contented to be where I am and sticking only to people whom I have known for years. Close friends can attest that I'm one of the most stable and rooted persons they know. But God being God allowed all those things to happen. The end result being, I learned how to trust Him more and that gave me the strength and confidence to step out into unfamiliar territory into where He wants me to be. And in exchange for the pain of severing certain unhealthy ties and the sadness at leaving the safe and familiar, I gained the peace that surpasses understanding and a renewed vigor and passion for life.

Indeed as what my counselor said, "There is a difference between loyalty to your profession and faithfulness to God's calling in your life." Loyalty to a worthwhile cause is good but when it kills you a little everyday and you know that it's time to move on elsewhere, then it's best to decide to obey God's calling in your life. And watch those doors of opportunities open to you. Things won't happen until you have decided with your whole heart that this is the path that you have chosen. God's calling above all else. This is how dreams come true.

I pray that 2008 will be an even better year for all of us. A year where the dreams that God has planted in our hearts come to pass.