Coolcat's Jottings

The past few weeks have been rather amazing. It all started after Lim Goh Tong's death. I was up in Genting Highlands the weekend that he died. I wasn't there for the wake service but rather was attending the Elijah House Facilitators' Retreat. It was a good time of reflection and stock taking. I realised that time is flying fast and there are so much things left to be done. A lot of areas in the garden of my life have been left untended. It was time to gain back lost ground.

Something wonderful must have happened in Gentings, for when I came down from the mountain, obstacles that seemed insurmountable in the past are now conquerable. It was as if I have been given a pair of new eyes and a new heart.

I educated myself on the art of re-organising my life and launched on doing the projects that I always wanted to do but never have the motivation to - namely clearing the paper piles in my office cubicle and giving my bedroom a brand new look. Now it actually does look like a room with curtains and bed furnishings that I like. At the end of everyday, I list out tasks that I need to do the next day. I make time for the important things in life like family, friends, recreation and ministry. My heart's desire is to be able to leave work earlier than I do now in order to incorporate all these in my schedule. I don't want to look back upon my life and say, "I studied, I worked, and then I expired." I do not want to postpone things that I can do today.

All I can say is, thank God for this new-found zeal to make the most of whatever time I have left on this earth. May the flame burn brighter.

Three friends hung out for a meal. They are at rather different stages of life. But they can identify with this common theme - not having what they want most. Yes, yes, they do have a lot of things. But they want THAT one. And that which they want most remains just out of reach. Sometimes they catch a whiff and even a shadow and a promise of hope. Only to be dashed to the rocks again and again.

"Sometimes, I really feel like giving up. I don't want to try anymore. With each disappointment, my heart bleeds more. It hurts," says one.

"I tell myself that I don't need that thing that I missed the most. But how long can you delude yourself and ignore that gnawing emptiness inside? "

"I look at her, smile and tell her that I'm grateful for the friendship that we have. Yet I couldn't help but wish that we were more than friends. It's not what she wants and I respect that. I am just waiting for the hope to die, you know?"

Indeed, the pain that comes from having their hopes perked up just to be brought crashing down repeatedly can be too much to bear. So how does one deal with this?

It's easy to tell someone to stop obsessing about the thing that they don't have and to be thankful for things that they do possess. It's harder to actually put it into practice. You have invested a lot of energy and have the highest of hopes and expectations on the promise that it will come to pass eventually. And really, the other things that you have do not really give you the satisfaction that the ONE thing can.

I guess you just have to tell yourself that on this side of heaven, life is like that sometimes. You don't always get what you want. But through the process of coping with the disappointment and loss of hope, something happens within you. You start seeing things in shades of gray. You learn patience and long-suffering. You become more compassionate and understanding towards those who are hurting. You mature.

And perhaps, that is the objective of this particular trial that we all face one time or another. Whether we do get our hearts' desire or not is the secondary issue. What matters most is whether we become better or bitter people through these experiences. Hope in things that may never materialize will make the heart sick. But hope in our Maker who works all things out for our good is the one thing that spurs us on. Though we stumble, we shall not fall for He upholds us in His hands.

As the day came to an end, the three friends smiled at each other, grateful for the support and comfort that they have found in one another. They may not have what they want (yet), but they do have each other. It helps knowing that they are not alone.