Friendship Favours

"When she wants something from me, she bugs me endlessly until I get it done for her. But when it's my turn to ask for a favour, she conveniently forgets. It makes me feel so sad lar," a friend said.

"Yalar, my sister is also like that. I gave up trying to ask any help from her already. I'm so disappointed!" another friend said.

I feel for my friends, I really do. It's only fair to expect to give as good as you will eventually get. A person who keeps taking and never gives nor contributes anything in return doesn't sound like a good friend.

But where do you draw the line? Is friendship actually a barter-trade in disguise?

"I wished she'd stop calling me on the phone at odd times of the day, especially when I'm out having a meal with others," said yet another friend. But she can't tell that friend to stop calling her so incessantly nor ignore her incoming calls because this happens to be someone she needs favours and support from time to time.

Call it friendship management, if you will but I'm not buying that. I believe while every friendship is unique and precious in its own way, you still need to set your own boundaries. It's better to tell someone who matters to you what you can or can't commit to rather than to go along with it and resent that friend and let it come out in unhealthy ways later on. And if she is indeed a good friend, she may not like your boundaries, but she will definitely respect it.

Of course, being non-confrontational by nature, there were many times when I let things that hurt or irritate me slide or pass me by. Sometimes it was for good to let things go - I probably misread that person's intentions and it wasn't such a big a deal anyway. Or I don't plan to make that person a permanent fixture in my life, so I don't bother telling that person that her behavior was hurtful to me.

But for friends who count and whom I've kept silent on their behaviour, I wasn't doing them nor the friendship justice. The problem was finding the right time and the words to say it.

And then there's the self-check questions such as "Am I pulling my weight in the friendship?" "Am I expecting too much from my friend or vice versa?" It sure ain't easy to be a good friend.

And after all these years, I'm still learning.