The Real Issue

There I was talking about some irksome issue that bugged me. CY was listening but not with his mind apparently.

I could tell by his response. "Hmmm, interesting. By the way, where is that mail I wanted you to send me?"

I was not amused. "CY, focus!! I'm pouring my heart out here and you are asking about a measly mail??"

"Oooops, sorry." He gave himself a few slaps and mumbled. "Ok, focus... focus on consoling CC. Alrighty. You may continue."

So I did. And he listened, again, not with his mind, but with his spirit.

"You know, I sense that you should tune into God. There's something He wants to draw out of you."

I felt that he was way off the mark. Totally unrelated to what I was sharing. Was a bit miffed, too. He thinks I never pray meh? "I do that everyday. I do try to listen to what God might be saying to me."

"Well, I sense that you should do that all the more. I'm sorry, that's just what I sensed. It's very strong..."

Not wanting to argue with such a statement, I conceded with a doubtful, "Ok lar, I'll ask Daddy about it. If that's what He wants me to ask, He'll give me the answer."

"Good!" CY said. And that was the end to a thoroughly unsatisfying conversation.

That night I asked. God answered. The issue that I thought was a big issue wasn't the issue at all. That was just pffft, nothing but a smokescreen. The real issue that God brought out to the surface was that I had PLANS of my own which will be affected if I commit myself to a cause for 1 to 2 years of my life. I'm not even sure if that's where God wants to me go but if I'm honest, I'll admit that it's mainly because I'm the one who's not sure about taking up the cause. It's not about what God wants anymore, but rather what I want.

Sigh. This is hard.

I told CY about it. That he was right in sensing the right question to ask God. And that I was relunctant to commit to the path God had been preparing me for the past 6 years or so.

"Commit lar," he cajoled. "God wants the best for you. Though it may seem hard at first, you'll be happier in the long run."

Garn, I've said those very words to encourage people to do things they know was right for them to do. I've hung onto these words myself when things went in contradiction to my plans and I had nothing else to hold onto. I had no other choice but to go upwards. But the situation is vastly different now. Giving up the freedom to do what I had planned for the next 1 to 2 years of my life - for a cause that would 'chain' me down seems too big a sacrifice to me. Because I would actually have to give up something. What if a really awesome opportunity come by then, and because of my prior 2-year commitment, I have to decline? I have to admit, the very thought scares me like the dickens.

"You can negotiate, you know." CY said.

"You can? Isn't this normally an 'all or nothing' kinda deal?"

"He is your Father after all."

True. But it's still hard. Really, sometimes when you think you are ready to go to the next step in the journey of faith, you realise just how un-ready you really are. Ironically enough, this is exactly the point that you also realise that you have truly counted the cost. You are at the brink of a pivotal moment in your life. A choice between the broad and easy road or the road less travelled. Surely one can never be more ready than that.

Life is full of ironies. And I still have a decision to make. Ho hum.